Knitting & Fishing :: Returning to Myself ::

Meet Begonia.

Okay, her name is actually Sonja but I call her my Begonia. She lives with me on Flanders street in a house that holds 4 other women (Six of us in total. Yeah).

Sonja Begonia is my buddy in many ways. We go to church together, sing together, laugh together, cry together, appreciate boy bands together and are sassy together. And this only describes a few aspects of our relationship. ;) Sonja is an awesome woman of many talents (especially when it comes to music and gardening), but one thing she loves to do in her spare time is knit! When perusing my list, she graciously offered to help me with #21 - become confident at knitting. I was stoked! 

But first, before getting into all of that, a story of my knitting past...

I first became interested in knitting when my life time friend, Wendy, told me that it was her new hobby. Like so many other things we love to share, she told me that I "had to" learn to knit because she was knitting. In times past I've acquiesced to her demands (she had seldom lead me astray), but I was growing more independent. So I told her that I would think about it, dreading the reality that I probably would. But that was okay; I like learning new things. I always found knitting fascinating enough and somewhat glamorous. Glamorous in the sense that it was something "exotic and off limits" to me (ha, how's that for a description of knitting?!). It seemed like something I could never do or something that wasn't available to me. Then one day I found a cheesy murder mystery series involving a knitting club. I devoured the book; it made knitting seem REALLY cool. If worse came to worse and I got bored, I could stab someone with my knitting needles and a great story could unfold. ;) Since knitting could also double as a convenient weapon when need be, I decided at that moment that I was willing to give it a shot. 

But I still didn't step outside my comfort zone. It was a small thing really, but I wasn't ready for it. Perhaps everything on my list represents an area of life that I wasn't ready to step into but finally am. Finally ready to expand my comfort zone. Or perhaps, in general as I approach 30, I am excited to step into myself, realizing that I like to live outside the comfort zone. Always pushing a little farther. 

Regardless, one day I was visiting my friend Becky. She, too, is an awesome woman + knitter. We snuggled up on her couch and got ready to watch "Eat, Pray, Love". She pulled out her knitting supplies and I casually remarked, "I've always wanted to learn to knit." She turned to me and quickly said, "Would you like to learn now?" I froze. "Uhhh...". She proceeded anyways. Before I knew it she had gifted me with a beautiful creamy, soft yarn, knitting needles and empowerment. She took the next half hour to show me how to knit, all the while gently reminding me that I can do it. 

I started knitting a dish cloth two years ago. I finished the dish cloth about two weeks ago. And here's how it turned out:

HA! It's a slightly terrible. 

Not really in the shape of a square at all (this picture doesn't do the hilarity of my masterpiece justice). Yet, I think it beautiful! Mostly because I did it. I finished it after two years! And Sonja, in the way a parent approves of their child's artwork, loves it too. Like Becky, she seized the moment with me and told me I could finish. That truth nudged me deep within. She was right. I could. And so, I did. :) We went shopping for yarn to celebrate and now I am moving on to bigger and better things... like scarves! 

(though I am still going to practice making dish cloths re: Sonja's advice).

I am currently knitting an infinity scarf with a beautiful black yarn. 

And I am doing pretty well so far. 

Consistency is the key. I have to stick with it. Sonja reminded me that it's hard to have a project turn out "perfectly" if you don't touch it for over a year. My dish cloth came out askew because I avoided it and then came back to it. Back and forth, back and forth. I needed to stay in the game. In addition, I am not the same knitter now as I was then. I am not the same Hannah either. I developed over time... and apparently I relaxed a bit as I faced the challenge. I settled into the stitch and the overall project became better. In-congruent, but better. 

And now one more small thing in this life has taught me to deal with my fears and perfectionism. That it's okay to have things turn out different than hoped for or planned and that I can fumble my way through. This may seem like a small mountain to climb for some, but it's been rewarding to do something outside of my comfort zone, something that people wouldn't expect of me - something I wouldn't expect of myself. I am glad Wendy first mentioned it to me. I am glad I took Becky up on her offer and I am glad she didn't really give me a choice.  

Father Gregory Boyle quotes Alice Miller in Tattoos on the Heart. Dr. Miller believes that we are called to be enlightened witness to those around us, especially those who have experienced severe trauma and pain. I am numbered among those who have experienced severe trauma and pain. That's why it's taken me almost 30 years to take even the tiniest of steps into myself... to walk in my own footsteps. Dr. Miller & Father Gregory both agree that when these enlightened witnesses fulfill their role in a person's life, through their focused, attentive love and tenderness, they help return a person to him/herself. 

"Return people to themselves." I sigh at the thought. It's all I want. For myself and for others. It's all I want. The day that Becky started me knitting she did just that: she returned me to myself. 

Becky always quoted this proverb and she lived by it too: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." I believe in that moment on her couch she decided "No more fishies for you, Hannah. It's time you learn to cast the net for yourself." When we venture out and try something new - big or small - they are our daily acts of courage. I believe that it takes these daily acts of courage to return us to ourselves. Thank you for the gift, Becky. Of fishing. Of healing. You gave me a lot more than yarn. You gave me faith; you gave me back a piece of myself.

Love, 

H :: 

:: This tiny journey with knitting began because of Wendy, was enacted because of Becky and was finalized because of Sonja. Thanks for the help, ladies. It means a ton! ::

This Article Should Be Read ::

... and for me, this movie seen. Sigh ::

:: Twelve Years a Slave :: 

The Bubble Run :: 5K'in it up!!

It's 5K Time! 

This weekend I am running in "Five Kilometers of Frothy Goodness" at the behest of my coworkers aka these crazy ladies (and a few more not seen here): 

Awkwardly enough, I already ran in a 5k in Brooke's stead. The Electric Run. Starts @ 10pm & you wear glow sticks - and other brightly lit devices - while running through different light displays. It was awesome, but a little trippy. People got REALLY into it and at 11:45pm when we finally left Portland International Raceway, the event had turned into an all out rave. Good times.  

I have been meaning to blog about this event (and the fact that I did a 5k) for a while, but never got around to it. I think I stopped caring about running a 5k somewhere along the way. Because of that, I've been pondering why it's even on my list in the first place. I've concluded that initially, in my mind, an "official" 5k was a big deal. I have never ran in a "real" race before. I included this in my list, I believe, as a way to "throw myself a bone". That if a half-marathon got too daunting, at least I'd have run a 5k in some sort of official capacity and done something new.

But the 5k challenge proved easier than originally planned and I had nothing to fear - two days before the electric run, I ran an 8k downtown with my friends. Running 5 plus miles was a breeze, so I knew I needed to press on towards bigger and better things. 

The Half Marathon is the real goal for me. But it's awesome to have benchmark accomplishments along the way.

And it's fun to share those accomplishments with people you enjoy and to celebrate them in an official way. I am stoked to be running with my coworkers and a dear housemate of mine! We will have a ball and create many awesome memories as well. 

As of right now, I am running 19 miles a week and getting ready to bump it up to 21 next week! I have three weeks until my half marathon weekend in Seattle and the training for it is changing me with each step I take. Lessons abound. Lessons, I hope to share soon. With each new task I face, I become a different woman. Lord willing, a better woman. It's been awesome to approach my every day with a "bucket list" mentality. It makes the blunders less painful and the trying all the more magical. I believe it's how we always should be.

Pictures from the Bubble Run coming up...! Should be pretty amusing. ;)

Love,
H :: 

I am Limited ::

I am snuggled up in bed right now with mountains of snot-filled tissues surrounding me. And I am caused to remember one thing: I AM LIMITED (duh). It's a nice reminder. We all need it. This most recent reminder has come through a cold that has been annoying me for the last several days and has finally knocked me out. I usually get sick when I need to slow down. Perhaps it's sad it takes an illness to jog my memory, but overall it's good because I am forced to sit still, listen and remember that I am, in fact, limited. Shocking, I know. I also know, I have finally arrived at the first genuine feeling of frustration with my list: I can't do it all. I am an idealist; thus I knew this truth before in a distant, flowery sense, but now I feel it's roughness concretely and the linear perfectionist in me struggles.

I got this cold because I was pushing myself too hard with too little rest. For the last two weeks, I've been biking to work while training for a half marathon. I've been running and/or biking between 11 to 16 miles a day on 6 hours of sleep each night with a few rest days sprinkled in between.  You do the math. That don't work. And even while I was doing it, I knew I wasn't helping myself, but I wanted to try anyways. My body kept asking, "Maybe not today?" But no. I "had to" bike to work so I could do the bike to work challenge... perfectly, which clearly means in my subconscious mind 5 days a week both ways. No grace, no excuses, no fudging. The fact that I finally landed on a half marathon of choice and that that would conflict with my biking was a non-factor. I "had to" train for that as well. No bigs. I can do it all. (HA!)

While biking myself into exhaustion, I would debate about the real objective of #16 on my list. "Hannah, you have biked to work all summer. You are a biker. You've even bought the funny little pants with the padding in the butt that make you feel like you're wearing a diaper. You're "in" now. Relax. Mission accomplished." But no... this is not good enough for me. Number 16 on my list must be executed perfectly. I cannot run out of steam at the eleventh hour. 

Does anyone else have these crazy thoughts? Perhaps it's not about your cardinal checklist, but maybe about your job or how you perform in school? Or perhaps even how you perform in relation to God? I know I have at least one friend out there who gets it (Thank you, Alisa). But alas, I know I must constantly come to terms with this in myself: I am limited. I cannot do it all.

In the last 3 months - from June to August - I have biked approximately 609 miles, burned 25, 872 calories, commuted to work 226 times and saved 516 lbs of CO2 in the environment. That is something to be proud of! 

And I am. 

Finally. After wrestling with myself. No one in my company expects to "win" the Bike Commute Challenge - in fact, I don't even know if we are in a league! But the challenge isn't actually about winning. It's about contributing.  You compete against yourself by seeing how much you can bring the to table - for yourself and your own health and for the sake of your team. I have brought a lot this summer. No bragging, just facts. Sigh. So let it be, Hannah.

September has held the least biking trips for me of all. I wanted it to be my big cap off month with my best biking ever. But not so and that's okay. Instead of looking strong, I am made weak and in need of a good long rest. I've done well and I still have a week or so left in which I can continue to contribute. And I will contribute long after. I have already decided that I love biking so much that I don't want to be a "fair-weather" biker only. I have loved waking up the rush of biking. It's been life giving, so I may continue biking well into Portland's rainy months. 

My beloved Gioia posted a few days back and said that she loved watching me "grow into" my list & what each item means for me. I agree, Gioia. I do grow into each challenge as I face it because challenges often require adaptation. So yet again, I mold. I adapt.

What does biking to work "successfully" mean for me with capping off in the Bike to Work challenge? It means I try until the end. It means I recognize areas where I have already been a success and I receive the grace available to me when I can't perform the way I want to. I recognize that my expectations of myself are probably a little out of whack anyways and I throw them out. I readjust. And then I press on with healthier expectations in place. I give myself permission to not be perfect. I give myself the freedom to "fail" or "succeed" with more realistic aims in mind. And I enjoy myself - and keep growing - along the way.

I am limited. And that's okay. In fact, it's better than okay. 

It's as it should be & that is good.

I'm going to go take a nap now. :)

" I Think We All NEED a Pep Talk " :: My Email Signature

:: A "Pep Talk" I regularly give myself :: 

Be awesome today; the world needs you to stop being boring!!! 

... So hop to it & give the world a reason to dance! ;)

Love, H ::

ps. Can my future son be this awesome? I say yes!! :)

p.p.s. Esther, thank you! 

Items in Progress ::

What up, friends?! 

Here's a list of what tasks are "in the works". This is, after all, a marathon, not a sprint. ;)

1) Become a Civil War buff - Currently reading Battle Cry of Freedom. I have decided to focus on Robert E. Lee as my favorite general & the battle of Antietam, Maryland as my "favorite" battle.

4) Run a 5k & Half Marathon - 

• I've technically already run a 5k, but I feel like that didn't count because I ran in Brooke's stead. So... Sunday, September 28, I am running in the Bubble Run 5K with these lovely ladies (and a few more not seen here). I have some really incredible friends/coworkers! ;)
  
• Then, October 13th I am running in the Biggest Loser Half Marathon in Seattle with one of my best friends from Seminary, Sara. You will see a pic of her soon. It's going to be FANTASTIC. :) We've been running every Saturday morning for the past couple of weeks; this Saturday is our seven-miler. We got this ;) Be on the lookout for more posts about how my training is going. It's been an awesome and difficult challenge.

5) Compose a Soundtrack of my Life - So good! *sigh* Really looking forward to sharing this.

6) Create, Establish & Maintain a Blog - (obviously).

7) Write something significant and get it published - This task is my third most intimidating. But it's in the works nonetheless. [I realize after talking with friends that certain terms like "published" or "buff" probably need to be defined. At least, in regards to what I mean by them for the purposes of this list. Those terms I have highlighted in green throughout this post. I am still processing through some of these definitions a bit.] In all honesty, I have had articles published already. So I think thus far "published" means perhaps having one of my short stories published in a local/small magazine? This remains to be seen. I have a few other projects that may qualify as "significant" and could be "published". So I have to think through what my aim is here. Either way, I have writings in the works. So this one still counts as being "underway!"

8) Become a wine buff - Again, another term that needs defining. What do I mean by "buff"? In the bottom picture above, the ladies and I are at an afternoon wine tasting at Cana's Feast. It was at this event that I began to flesh out my thoughts on what I mean by a "wine buff". After hearing about Cana's wine club and the classes they teach, I've decided that a buff means pursuing wine education and becoming a special member of a winery (The membership costs me about 8 bottles/year. I can most certainly handle that ;). I live in and around the Willamette Valley - Oregon's Wine Country. Becoming a wine buff begins with "knowing my valley". Understanding what's in the area and making the most of what the grapes have to offer. This will be fun! I am glad to get a clear vision on this. :)

9) Go to Bend - Whoo hoo! Purchased a Groupon with my two closest friends from Seminary - Sara & Alisa - for a resort stay in Bend the first weekend in November. Cannot wait! :) In addition, Brooke plans on skiing there a bunch this winter - I will be in tagging along & learning to snowboard, another long desired dream soon to be fulfilled.

11) Accomplish the first Two Steps of Financial Peace University - It's a discipline, but it's happening. Slow and steady wins the race here and as well as maintaining a "Gazelle-like" intensity (Listen to his series to know what I mean by that last phrase ;).

12) Give away 30 things I don’t need but have been holding on to - I've given away a couple of things already... including a Coach purse I felt was superfluous to who I actually am. It's been nice to slowly make decisions in this area, but I gotta step up my game with this a bit. And perhaps define "what I don't need" a bit clearer. Hmmmm.

14) Try all the food carts in downtown Portland - We've (Alicia, Brooke, myself & other coworkers) been faithfully going to the carts at least one day a week all summer. This has slowed down a bit so I need to get back on the band wagon. But needless to say, every bite has been worth the challenge. I am potentially 1/3 of the way through all of the carts. The carts take up about 1 & 1/2 city blocks, but I will do it nonetheless! It's a good thing I love food...

15) Write 30 cards to 30 people in 30 days straight - I have 11 people on my list thus far for this task. This challenge is becoming more meaningful to me than initially planned. But I am looking forward to it... This will rock my world in the best of ways, I believe.

16) Bike to work successfully all summer and cap off with competing in the Bike to Work Challenge - this may be the next task I complete! I am in the midst of the Bike to Work challenge right now! There will be a separate post on this soon.

20) Be an extra on Grimm - Really fun updates here! Emailed the casting crew, found out who I need to get in touch with, took head shots and full body shots to email in... and met one of the main actors in the bank the other day down the street from where I work. 

He gave me the head nod and said I looked lovely! It was awesome.

21) Become confident at Knitting - My Sonja, a beloved house mate of mine, is making sure this happens and I love it. This, too, will also have it's own post soon. ;)

23) Watch the Godfather Trilogy - This is slated for some time in late October @ my friend's Adam's house! It will be epic.

And lastly... 27) Write my mom a thank you card every month - I have been pretty faithful about this too. I don't always get them out to her in the most timely fashion, but I keep 'em coming. It's been a blessing to see the joy on her face and to hear the thrill in her voice after the card has arrived & been read. It's also been humbling to realize all that I am because of her sacrifice. Thank you, mom.

Suffice it to say... I gots things in progress! Be on the lookout for more posts soon! Thank you for following alongside me as I venture out on this journey. You hold me accountable and it means a lot to know I am not alone! :)

Love, H ::

#24 :: Done

#24 - Read & Finish The Chronicles of Narnia series for the FIRST time ... Check!

So... I finished this a while ago, but haven't gotten around to making that fact known yet. I've been debating how this whole "blog + list accomplishment" thing should work. This was the first item on my list I've completed and I wasn't sure how to "share" that. But after further reflection (and multiple friends asking, "so what have you actually completed on your list?"), I've decided that if I am truly going to "maintain" a blog (#6 on my list), I better report in about what I get done. ;)

So... I finished The Chronicles of Narnia! Whoo hoo! :) And I loved it! 

I finished the last two books - The Silver Chair & The Last Battle - while on my family vacation to the beach in July. 

I spent several days (10 am to 6 pm) out on the porch, in my favorite rocking chair, reading.
(P.S. This is how happy hour should be done in my opinion.) 

And if the rocking chair got too stiff for my plump behind, I would switch it up and read on the beach. It was heavenly!

When I can, I plan on sharing some of my favorite quotes from each book. But I have to say that my favorite books were The Horse & His Boy, Prince Caspian & The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and that in order, too. Prince Caspian and The Horse & His Boy vie for first place in my heart, but I think the latter wins out. I didn't actually enjoy Prince Caspian until the late middle/end of the story. Probably because I was jaded by the horrible movie they made of the book (unfortunately, I saw it first) so it took me a while to warm up to the story. But movies never do their book justice typically and I should have remembered that. Thus, in the end, Prince Caspian won my heart. The imagery of the children following Aslan though they can't see him and don't even believe he is there will never escape me. What a powerful metaphor for the daily walk of the follower of Christ (Hebrews 11; 2 Cor. 4:16-18; Romans 8:24-25).

But it was the barrenness of The Horse & His Boy that won me. The desert waste land story turned into a refreshing oasis of redemption got a hold of me. It's the story of a kid who always knew he was different, but couldn't quite place how. Who always felt out of place and was desperate to find belonging. We all love a story like that. But what really makes the book my favorite? Chapter 11, when Corin, the "vagrant-become-prince" is walking in the dark woods alone after finally finding his place after so long. He's sent on an errand to warn his new family that their archenemy is riding fast to destroy them. While on the errand he is separated from his companions. He finds himself alone again, wandering in a wood that seems to enclose him in progressive darkness. The darkness, like the loneliness, encroaches on his being and spirit alike, turning him to despair. He throws a pity party (one I could see myself in so clearly). But then a new feeling overtakes him: terror. He is not alone after all. He senses the presence of someone else. He questions if this emotion is imagined, but soon he feels a heavy warm breathe on his back. This deep sigh validates his fear. There is someone beside him. He speaks and discovers a friend. It's Aslan, waiting to be recognized, proving to Corin that he was never alone - past or present. Aslan listens to Corin's sorrows and comforts him with His warming breath. 

This imagery brought to tears to my eyes. I walk this way all the time: believing I am alone when all along God is beside me breathing his warm protection on me, patiently waiting for me to turn around acknowledge Him. He's never disappointed in me that I go about doing my own thing. He knows I am ridiculous and hard headed. But He does ache for me to turn toward His face and see Him. He eagerly waits for me to turn around and remember He is there. When I finally do, all conviction is found when I fix my eyes on Him, when I remember that I am not alone and that I am definitely not in charge. The Horse & His Boy rings with the truth of God's sovereignty and that truth anchors my wavering heart. 

The book blessed me - the whole series did. And it proves to be a rich and rewarding decision to have this on my list & to have accomplished it. It motivates me to keep pressing forward. And so I shall. Onward & Upward!

H::

"Child," said the Voice. "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."