I am Limited ::

I am snuggled up in bed right now with mountains of snot-filled tissues surrounding me. And I am caused to remember one thing: I AM LIMITED (duh). It's a nice reminder. We all need it. This most recent reminder has come through a cold that has been annoying me for the last several days and has finally knocked me out. I usually get sick when I need to slow down. Perhaps it's sad it takes an illness to jog my memory, but overall it's good because I am forced to sit still, listen and remember that I am, in fact, limited. Shocking, I know. I also know, I have finally arrived at the first genuine feeling of frustration with my list: I can't do it all. I am an idealist; thus I knew this truth before in a distant, flowery sense, but now I feel it's roughness concretely and the linear perfectionist in me struggles.

I got this cold because I was pushing myself too hard with too little rest. For the last two weeks, I've been biking to work while training for a half marathon. I've been running and/or biking between 11 to 16 miles a day on 6 hours of sleep each night with a few rest days sprinkled in between.  You do the math. That don't work. And even while I was doing it, I knew I wasn't helping myself, but I wanted to try anyways. My body kept asking, "Maybe not today?" But no. I "had to" bike to work so I could do the bike to work challenge... perfectly, which clearly means in my subconscious mind 5 days a week both ways. No grace, no excuses, no fudging. The fact that I finally landed on a half marathon of choice and that that would conflict with my biking was a non-factor. I "had to" train for that as well. No bigs. I can do it all. (HA!)

While biking myself into exhaustion, I would debate about the real objective of #16 on my list. "Hannah, you have biked to work all summer. You are a biker. You've even bought the funny little pants with the padding in the butt that make you feel like you're wearing a diaper. You're "in" now. Relax. Mission accomplished." But no... this is not good enough for me. Number 16 on my list must be executed perfectly. I cannot run out of steam at the eleventh hour. 

Does anyone else have these crazy thoughts? Perhaps it's not about your cardinal checklist, but maybe about your job or how you perform in school? Or perhaps even how you perform in relation to God? I know I have at least one friend out there who gets it (Thank you, Alisa). But alas, I know I must constantly come to terms with this in myself: I am limited. I cannot do it all.

In the last 3 months - from June to August - I have biked approximately 609 miles, burned 25, 872 calories, commuted to work 226 times and saved 516 lbs of CO2 in the environment. That is something to be proud of! 

And I am. 

Finally. After wrestling with myself. No one in my company expects to "win" the Bike Commute Challenge - in fact, I don't even know if we are in a league! But the challenge isn't actually about winning. It's about contributing.  You compete against yourself by seeing how much you can bring the to table - for yourself and your own health and for the sake of your team. I have brought a lot this summer. No bragging, just facts. Sigh. So let it be, Hannah.

September has held the least biking trips for me of all. I wanted it to be my big cap off month with my best biking ever. But not so and that's okay. Instead of looking strong, I am made weak and in need of a good long rest. I've done well and I still have a week or so left in which I can continue to contribute. And I will contribute long after. I have already decided that I love biking so much that I don't want to be a "fair-weather" biker only. I have loved waking up the rush of biking. It's been life giving, so I may continue biking well into Portland's rainy months. 

My beloved Gioia posted a few days back and said that she loved watching me "grow into" my list & what each item means for me. I agree, Gioia. I do grow into each challenge as I face it because challenges often require adaptation. So yet again, I mold. I adapt.

What does biking to work "successfully" mean for me with capping off in the Bike to Work challenge? It means I try until the end. It means I recognize areas where I have already been a success and I receive the grace available to me when I can't perform the way I want to. I recognize that my expectations of myself are probably a little out of whack anyways and I throw them out. I readjust. And then I press on with healthier expectations in place. I give myself permission to not be perfect. I give myself the freedom to "fail" or "succeed" with more realistic aims in mind. And I enjoy myself - and keep growing - along the way.

I am limited. And that's okay. In fact, it's better than okay. 

It's as it should be & that is good.

I'm going to go take a nap now. :)